Wow what a month January has been. To be honest, I'm glad it's FINALLY coming to an end. I've needed/wanted January to be over for quite some time, well okay...25 days.
From my understanding just about everyone looks forward to January. It's the month that starts a brand new year, a brand new you and a brand new set of goals. For me, I looked forward to it because it was the month in which I got to see my baby.
On Friday January 7, 2012, I had my first ultrasound. I was nervous from the beginning because I had to go alone. I wanted Nate to be there so bad. Not so much for me, but for him rather. I wanted him to get to experience everything that I did. I imagined him holding my hand, us both watching the screen together.
Being a military wife though, means that some of your 'wishes' don't come true.
When they called my name I didn't know what to expect, after all this was my first child, my first prenatal visit. I anxiously arose from my seat and entered the room where they took my height, weight, blood pressure and temperature. The nurse even knew I was nervous once she took my blood pressure and realized it was a bit high. Not abnormal, just high.
After she was finished taking my vitals, I was asked to take a seat and that I'd be called back shortly to begin my scheduled appointment. That's when the nerves really kicked in. Heck, I was nervous before and all they did was a few 'not unusual but rather familiar testing' on me.
It was now time to be welcomed to the unknown...
As my midwife came out from the hallway and called my name, I said, "it's go time!" I thought for a second things were okay, that I'd be okay. I kept telling myself "many women do this alone, I'm not the only one." But in reality, that's how I felt, like I was the only one. As I sat in her office answering questions all I could really think was, "can we hurry this up I wanna get home to be 'safe' place." She informed me during this "questions session" that I'm Rh negative. The Rh factor is a type of protein on the surface of red blood cells. Those who do not have the Rh factor, are Rh negative. Yay me! NOT!
If you are Rh negative, like me, you may develop antibodies to an Rh positive baby. If a small amount of the baby's blood mixes with your blood, which often happens, your body may respond as if it were allergic to the baby. Your body may make antibodies to the Rh antigens in the baby's blood. This means you have become sensitized and your antibodies can cross the placenta and attack your baby's blood. They break down the fetus's red blood cells and produce anemia (the blood has a low number of red blood cells). This condition is called hemolytic disease or hemolytic anemia. It can become severe enough to cause serious illness, brain damage, or even death in the fetus or newborn.
So my midwife just informed me that if at any time I start bleeding I need to go to the emergency room and get an injection of Rh immunoglobulin (Rhlg), or better known as RhoGAM, a blood product that can prevent sensitization of an Rh negative mother. Another thing to note is that even if I didn't start bleeding, the shot would be administered at the 28th week of pregnancy to keep the baby safe during delivery.
After all the questions were answered, it was finally the time I had been waiting for, ultrasound time.
Little did I know I would no longer be anxiously awaiting that moment. In fact, all I wanted after it was over, was to have never had one in the first place. For some, maybe many it's hard to understand my reasoning. So, although this is still hard for me to talk about, I'll try to do my best to just get it out.
On Friday January 7, 2012, during my first ultrasound all that was found was a gestational sac. A gestational sac for those that may not know is the only available intrauterine structure that can be seen in an early pregnancy until the embryo is identified. In the later weeks of early pregnancy, a yolk sac and fetal pole are then developed. When I went to my ultrasound appointment I was 11 weeks pregnant. At that time, a fetal pole definitely should have been visible, even a yolk sac. The midwife thought that perhaps I'm just not as far along in my pregnancy as we had thought. So she called in another doctor.
At that moment I think I was way past nervous and on to the "nervous breakdown" point.
The next doctor that came in tried to see if he could see anything different than my midwife. Yep, he did. Wait though, don't get too excited. What he found were cysts that had formed on both my left and right ovaries. Slowly but surely I was starting to hate the military for making me experience this alone, without my husband.
The cysts on my right ovary are not much to worry about, but the one on my left is 3 by 3. It isn't terribly large, but it's something to keep monitoring. At the end of the appointment I was informed that most likely I will experience a miscarriage. My midwife handed my a brochure that went into further detail on how to deal with the loss of a baby. "Did she really just hand me that?" Yep, that's what I was thinking...
I felt down right awful. I did not want to go home. I did not want to see my husband. But most of all I did not want to have to tell my husband.
It was only 11:30am, and already I had had a very long and stressful day. My midwife ordered me to go down to the lab to have more blood drawn. She wanted to receive my beta quantitative hCG levels, the hormone that detects pregnancy. What she wanted to see from those blood results was, "did my levels rise or did my levels drop." On to the lab I went, more blood was drawn, and off to home I then went.
The moment I got to my car I cried and cried and cried. I asked, "why, why, why?"
Even as I drove home, I cried and cried and cried. I'm sure if other drivers looked over and saw me, they'd probably think, "geez that girl should not be driving" because I was in such a bad state of mind.
And finally when I got home I cried and cried and cried some more with my cute cuddly puppy, Pritzy.
The hours that I was at home alone seemed like forever. When my husband finally entered through the bedroom door when he got home around 4pm, he was happy, he was smiling and most of all he was so excited to hear how my doctor's appointment went.
I couldn't help but to feel horrible that 1. I didn't want to have to tell my husband and 2. that he was in such a wonderful mood and I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news.
He kept asking and asking as I tried to pretend that everything was fine but that I just didn't want to talk about it at the moment. He asked, "are we having twins?!" Hah...I said, "well, I wish we were having twins."
That's the moment that things got serious because I started balling and my husband just didn't have a clue. He didn't know why his wife was in tears, he had no idea the pain I had been feeling all day, and most of all he didn't have the slightest idea that he may no longer be "a daddy."
He curled up next to me and asked what was the matter. He wanted to know. He wanted to know bad.
I tried to gain the strength to tell him. When I finally told him, he said, "don't worry everything is going to be fine." I believed him, or at least I wanted to believe him, Later that night though, I definitely had my own idea of what to believe.
That night I began to bleed. Then Saturday morning the same thing. So like the midwife told me, I went to the emergency room. I thought it would be an in/out process that I would only be receiving the rhoGAM shot. HAH I was WAY WAY WAY wrong. After 5 long, unbearable hours I received the shot. But before receiving the shot I was seen by multiple doctors, had more blood drawn, had to pee in a cup, had my vitals checked and then was hooked up to a machine. The only fun part was that my husband was there with me and we were watching tv and munching on vending machine snacks.
The last doctor that saw me at the emergency room said that my hCG levels had dropped since Friday. I should expect to miscarry. The thing is though, I was never informed of what to expect during a miscarriage, what it would feel like, what I would see, how I would feel and how much pain I'd go through.
Sunday morning I woke up, felt fine. Was eating breakfast and getting ready to go to church. When I began to get dressed I started to feel unbearable pain in my abdomen. Yep, I knew it, the time had come.
For 12 hours straight I was in the worst pain of my entire life. I thought it was never going to stop. I thought for a moment, "man I feel like I'm dying." I had lost so much blood. I couldn't eat. My temperature was dropping. I was sweating. I was getting pale. I really felt horrible, but I knew my husband felt more horrible than I did because he didn't want me to go through this. He didn't want me to have to experience this pain. He was in pain. He was saddened by me. He just wanted the best me, for us. For 12 hours straight my husband didn't leave my side. He took care of me, and nurtured me. He is the reason I got through my miscarriage.
For the past 23 days, my husband has stood by my side, talked things through with me, and lifted me up.
For the past 23 days, I've worked hard to overcome this. Am I over it yet, no. Will I be soon? No. Is that okay that I still remember this like it happened yesterday and I still cry about it? Yep.
When people tell me congrats (still) I just kind of shrug it off. But, in the end it just brings back horrible memories that I can't just get rid of. I'm not offended, it just hurts. Is it other's fault? NOT AT ALL. I'm the one that hadn't publicly opened up about it. I told who needed to be told and that was that. Having a miscarriage isn't easy, so by all means understand me when I say it's not the easiest to talk about.
I'm starting to open up more only because I've allowed myself time, I've allowed myself understanding, and now I'm allowing myself to be free. I don't want this to be a burden, to slow me down or to let life pass me by. I want to live, and to live freely.
I'll be honest...there's not a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about what has happened, that I wasn't sad about what's happened, that I didn't blame myself and play the 'what if game' and there's not a day that will go by that I won't have an angel. My baby Lopez is now my guardian angel.
I will always and forever have my angel. R.I.P Baby Lopez <3
