Just a small glimpse...

I don't want to act like I'm alright, because I'm really not.

I don't want to act like everything is going well, because it's not.

I don't want to smile and shrug stuff off, because that would just cause me more pain.

BUT that's what I have been doing. I keep trying to remain stable, happy, and optimistic. That's not helping me through though...it's causing me to just break down. I want to throw pillows at the wall, tear papers to shreds, scream at the top of my lungs and just maybe then I'll feel better.

Yesterday was a long day for me. A day I didn't expect. I expected to go "house hunting," but rather I spent the entire day sitting in the ER. My arm has never been poked so much to draw blood, I've never had to give so many urine samples, and for gosh sakes I've never received so many physicals and vitals in just 2 days.

I felt hopeless, tired, and anxious. I just wanted answers. I wanted to know why they were doing so many tests, and why I couldn't just go home. Sitting in a hospital bed for 5 hours is not what I call an exciting Saturday by any means. It's especially not fun when you have to go to the bathroom so bad, yet you can't because you're hooked up to a monitor. I hope to never relive that kind of day again.

Some know my situation, some don't. Some can relate, other's can't even begin to imagine.

Some say sorry, some ask questions and some just try to give me some hope.

PLEASE...don't give me hope, don't give me your thoughts of what you think, and don't try to change my mind. I know what's going on, I'm starting to understand, and I'm trying to move forward. I know you're just trying to be there for me, but right now I might just need a little space. I might need some time for me. I might just need some time to refocus my mind and try to get myself back on track.

I don't want to come off as a bitch, those aren't my intentions. I don't want to come off as a miss know it all, because I don't know everything, but I do know my body better than anyone else. I just need some time.

When the time is right, I'll be fine again. I'll be happy me. I'll smile more. I'll be more talkative. I'll want to do more. I'll be back at the gym. I'll be doing all the things that make me me. Til then though, I'll be focusing on how to get me to that point. No I'm not depressed, I've just got a lot going on. I'm in good spirits. Plus, I've got God on my side. With time I'll be just fine.